There are few things in the music industry worse than being fat and old. People remember the youthful Elvis Presley and bemoan that he got old and fatter as his life progressed. We like our superstars to stay lean and to bypass the being human bit. It also means as a culture we set impossible standards for ourselves which makes it that much harder if the way we look changes. Stars age and if they respond with a facelift, even that is wrong because then ‘they’ve gone too far’. So most celebs must get cognitive dissonance when it comes to accepting ageing. There’s the whole Club 28 thing too and the Blondie “Die Young Stay Pretty” ideology. When you do get cancer you absolutely know you could die young and how you look becomes less important and that is a great gift in many ways.
And speaking of Deborah Harry, who by the way is the nicest, most gracious superstar I have ever met and worked with, with bells on, hands down and forever more. I worked with her in 2000 on ‘A Fire At Keaton’s Bar And Grill” by Roy Nathanson and the Jazz Passengers (featuring Ms Harry and Elvis Costello to name just a few). Keaton’s was a fictional bar dreamed up by the genius Roy Nathanson’s and is a jazz inspired journey through late night bar life. The show was staged at The Royal Festival Hall. I did press on the record and the show alongside Serious, who were promoting the show. I was totally in awe of Ms Harry and I think she could see that I was a nervous wreck and she was just really kind to me, she also gave me the best feminist laugh I have ever had in the music industry in a tunnel under the BBC.
I messed up royally though , I forgot to order her a wake up call so the poor darling had five seconds to prepare herself for her live BBC London Interview. She flew out of the hotel like a rocket into the waiting car with her hat on sideways and just got on with it. She forced Roy to sit in the front and made me sit in the back with her (because she couldn’t stand his spitting) which was a side affect of his sax playing apparently which she found quite amusing. There was no diva strop or sacking for me not doing my job, she was positively gracious and kind. She did a great interview with Robert Elms and then we were escorted down this really long tunnel under the BBC which led us to the Radio 3 studios for more interviews.
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Eugenie Arrowsmith – Big Chill 2009 photo Oz Owen
Roy and our BBC escort walked ahead and Ms Harry and I walked behind. The tunnel was lined with pictures of previous director generals of the BBC and that’s when Ms Harry’s commentary started. In her unique unfazed New York tone she declared “Oh, look it’s a man” pointing to one of the stuffy portraits of a Director General from days of yore “and another” as we continued walking ‘and look another” and so it went on till she commented on the many male portraits, so frequently that we were both ended up crying with laughter. It was so ridiculous, as inequality is, I was blessed to receive a transcendent funny teaching on equality in a tunnel under the BBC, delivered to me by my favourite female singer of all time.
It was an absolute blast to work with my heroine and to find out she was more brilliant than I had ever imagined. But also she was so generous too, that I really did appreciate, I could have been sacked. It was gutting for me when some truly odious male journalist wrote a horrific piece about meeting her in the press interviews for Keaton’s about being so disappointed that she’s aged and how horrified he was that his adolescent sexual fantasy queen was human. It was truly vile. I can’t begin to express how angry that made me. It showed no respect for her incredible, vocal and performing skills, how much she’d grown creatively, it was the biggest heap of ageist sexist hogwash I’d ever read. May I also be really clear that she looked absolutely beautiful to me too at the time. I did read after that, that she did have a facelift and I often wonder if the viciousness of that article contributed towards her decision. Actually I do support her whatever she chooses for herself but it just is an illustration of how women are taught to fear any changes in their appearances.
I felt okay with myself when the chemo made my hair fall out and I was still slim, that was almost cool. I hated being bald and fat though, it really impacted my self worth. I found that so difficult. I needed steroids as I’d nearly died in March 2009 during chemo so there was no way around it. My husband was amazing at this point and whenever I was slipping into really hating myself for being a blob he’d just say “But you’re here”. There were many hissy fits on my part regarding my status as a blob and my stupid vanity. I was so lucky that my bosses really didn’t’ care what I looked like (Big Up Katrina Larkin for that) and she trusted me to continue delivering, which I realise now was completely extraordinary. I was given a new music stage to programme and they entertained my mad ideas too. Katrina, Victoria Burns and I all had, had lunch with Peter Carlton of Film4 and the whole Zombie aspect of the Big Chill 2009 came into being from that meeting. When it all kicked off at the main stage and the crowd was roaring, Katrina called me and made me listen to the crowd screaming and shouted down the phone “that’s your fault, that is”. It was stunned and also proud of myself for being part of a great team despite everything. I watched the event unfold from the top of the hill and was present for the count. It was mind blowing to be part of something so fun and barmy.
I guess what I’m saying here is if we feel we are failing in some way, particularly when you are fighting something like cancer, it’s really great to continue to work if you can. Being busy doing what I love kept me going, kept me living. Obviously I was struggling but with the right support anything is possible, even in really tough circumstance. Don’t let cancer stop you dreaming, I still had something to give, I still contributed. Cancer takes an awful lot from us and we have to adapt to survive, so its really vital to find the things that really bring us joy and to do them no matter what.
*This blog is written to support #Breast Cancer Awareness Month 2018 and the Breast Cancer Haven who helped me beat beast cancer in 2008 and in 2011 – along with the incredible team on Worthing Hospital’s Breast Cancer Ward, UK. I am SO blessed to be well today.
Donate to the Breast Cancer Haven Here
Eugenie Arrowsmith 